I am suffering from depression and anxiety. I had to quit my job because I couldn't cope any longer, not that I couldn't do the job, I just couldn't do the job. From that point on I have the feeling of being mentally paralysed. I have achieved virtually nothing for the last 12 months. My house is being repossessed and a mountain of debt is piling up before my eyes. Yet I was unable to do anything about it. There were just to many mental blocks in the way. I couldn't face the stress involved in dealing with anything no matter how important. Better to lose everything than face the pain again.
This level of anxiety, whether it be general or social, is a draining force that produces effects that can only lead to intense depression. And most of it caused by internal fears and not real stressful situations. The real stressful situations usually came about by lack of motivation and procrastination of which I am a master.
I've lived my life with fear and anxiety impacting on the most trivial tasks. I used to be able to bury these feelings, live with them, be eaten up internally but on the outside try and keep an aura of confidence. I would be quick witted in social situations relying on humour to hide behind the mask hoping nobody would see the inner turmoil. I felt that if people knew what I was feeling they would think less of me. How people perceived me has always had an incredible influence on me, probably far more than most people. Looking back the hiding didn't really work , for example, I could never start a conversation, I would not put forward an opinion unless I could guess quite accurately the opinions of the people around me, the signs were there. There were many occasions I would be lost for words, especially around strangers before or during a conversion and this would immediately trigger a flight response, which I would either act on or stick with it where the stress would just increase, usually leading to intense blushing and fighting for things to say. This effort of will drained me, I got tired, I couldn't cope anymore.
I am 50 years old - I should know better.
Have Hope
Hope is the opposite of despair. When we are in a place that is one of suffering we need to find a direction to move to get away from the negative feelings we have about ourselves. I have found a feeling or wanting of hope has helped me move forward. Hope is not about wishful thinking, we all do that but nothing ever comes of it unless by random chance, and chance is designed to confuse and lead us down paths, making us believe we have the answer when at the end of the day the realisation of being tricked provides fuel to depression. The 'nothing works' syndrome. The feeling of hope is linked with pain and can be painful in itself. Hope brings about, by its existence, anxieties and its own pressures. But where despair has some of the same attributes they are wholly negative. Hope allows us to feel the symptoms we may never get away from and casts them in a positive light. To have hope requires the willingness to provide effort to get there and also requires a mental map. It also requires courage, having hope that something will come of the effort involved does not mean it necessarily will. This will be a blow. However, I would argue that at least trying to achieve is more beneficial than not whatever the outcome. But as we all know, at the time, it is extremely difficult to see it that way. Have the courage to allow yourself to fail sometimes. Failing through apathy just leaves you dead inside.
A lovely article about this is in the link below.
Dr Jon G Allen Menninger Clinic
If your anything like me blocks occur at every turn. I know I should do something, I know what to do, but, I get a picture in my head of a part of the task that as soon as I think about it repels me from doing. It almost like creating an immediate phobia for everything I need to do. Procrastination rules my life. I could not get myself motivated in any way.
Next post I'll discuss creating effort for hope.
